i think a lot of the fantasy of romance comes from a fantasy of being understood. and i mean, i'm 24. that's kind of a big, gross age to still want to feel understood. to still want somebody to find you and connect with you. i'm not a teenager anymore. i wasted my teenage years on imageboards, posting about how feminists were ruining gaming or some dumb shit. i spent maybe the only lovable years of my life locked inside my room, wasting away and probably developing lower back problems. i'm not a protagonist, a gem in the rough, just waiting to be found by somebody. i'm a fucking loser. not even the cool kind of loser. i play yugioh unironically.

also, all the truly romantic girls have become lesbians. not that i can blame them, there are far more women than men worth pining after. and i say this as a bisexual. maybe. might just be faking it for clout, from myself. like i mean just because i jack off to yaoi doesnt mean i get to call myself a fag.

to clarify, i am the only person i would ever call a fag, besides tucker carlson. god, i hate him so fucking much. his faggoty ass bowtie. his fucking disengenuous racist ass show. if i ever kill myself, and i never will, i promise to go call tucker carlson a faggot to his face first. like i hate that shit he does where he goes 'what is thing? nobody can define it.' like no motherfucker, people can, and will, and have, and you're just a stupid god damned liar. what a fucking faggoty ass little shitboy. bowtie wearin ass.

man what the fuck was my original point. honest to god i think i might hate tucker carlson more than i hate myself. i think i was moping about how nobody will ever understand me or something. god tucker carlson is such a fag though.

sometimes i do wish i was a woman but i don't think its in like a trans way. i dunno. could be, won't rule it out just yet. but you know, i think its just that more than gender dysphoria or anything, being a cute girl just seems kinda tight. all the dumb stuff you're into becomes like quirky and cool. like you know that one meme where its like girl with autism on the one side and then woy with autism on the other and on the girl side its that one tik tok of the super cute autistic girl listening to music and on the boy side its something like a metal gear rising meme or whatever. like its trying to make the point that guys are more authentic about their autism hobbies or whatever but like obviously everybody would rather date the cute autistic girl instead of whagever you look like. its fucking rough as hell that the most positive stereotype that autistic boys get is that one dude on youtube who records weather reports and did that one video of him miming eating hot dogs. like the best we get is 'well he seems like he's enjoying himself'. like the closest thing to an even kind of attractive autistic guy in the public eye is nick fucking mullen, and he's not even like hot hot. like is the best us autismos can be mid? shit sucks man.

plus, being a girl seems like a lot of work to put into something i'm not that passionate about. plus i would definitely not end up being a cute girl. if transing and untransing were easy i would definitely try it like once or twice though. just see how the vibes are.