what can it even mean for someone like me to want love? i'm 24, is it still possible for the right neural connections to be made in my brain for that, or will it piggyback on old pathways of shit i saw in animes and friendships and experiences i already had. i think my fantasy of romance has shriveled up in a weird way, and now its gross and contorted with resentment and resignment, still attatched to my flesh like a leech, with roots far deeper than i can dig out, like a weed. maybe if i could just learn to stop wanting, to accept that something like that just isn't in the cards for me, i could move on and, if not be happy, be content with my lot in life. but it still tugs at something inside of me, even if that something is buried and ugly. sometimes just thinking about it makes me want to take a knife to my stomach and spill out my bowels like judas.

do i want to get better? really, and truly, do i want to stop being depressed? i swear, sometimes i hear stuff that mental health people say, and it just makes me dig in deeper. like actually no, maybe i don't just have fucked up brain chemistry, maybe i'm just a fundamentally flawed human being. maybe thinking lowly of myself is good for me, maybe i deserve to feel that way. sometimes i just want them to shut the fuck up. and what happens if i really don't want to get better? i just sit here and rot, i suppose. nobody was put on this earth to save me from my own iniquity. so it goes.

course listening to these fucking ldar freaks does the exact opposite to me. like shut the fuck up, i'm actually the only one who gets to say that he's fundamentally worthless and fucked up. you're fine, have you considered drinking some water? of course it really is silly to believe that you're the only one with a legitimate complaint against himself in a sea full of ldars. perhaps it is merely a part of the inherent narcissism of depression. i think felix chapo once described it as 'thinking you're the best at sucking', lmao.

would like to clarify that i am not an incel right quick. i mean like, depends on how you define the term. would i like sex yet have none? yes, so this maybe makes me an 'incel' in the loosest sense of the word. do i kinda have a complex around being a virgin who never had a gf or bf? you don't get to 24 like that without kinda developing one. do i subscribe to the fucked up insane ideology that says that all of this is because women were given too many rights and they're all evil emotionless demons only governed by their emotions 80 20 rule hypergamy bone structure???? fucking no lol. so i do fall into the situation of an 'incel', but not into the ideology. kind of a small-i incel, as opposed to a capital-I Incel. women are mostly cool, and its hardly fair of me to judge them for not dating me when i have given them no reason to and i also just literally don't ask them out lmfao.

honestly how do you even hit on women without being creepy? this isn't some dumb 'well in a post #metoo environment how am i sapposed to kno wat will set those ebil femenists offf?!?!?' question, just like how are you supposed to approach a random woman and communicate to her that she's cute and you kind of want to spend the most emotionally intense moments of your life with her without coming off as the biggest fucking weirdo on the planet. also doesn't help that i don't really think i have anything to offer somebody. painting myself as worth being in a relationship with feels like lying. like i'm being a used car salesman for myself. it's far easier for me to shield myself from failure and just not come on to women at all.

i know i shouldn't post these online. i just really really want somebody to save me. please. please save me. please. please. please. please. please. please. please.

there's nothing worth saving here. save me anyway. nobody will. save me anyway. how will they find you. you've written this on an anonymous webpage specifically so it doesn't look like you're desperate for attention. but you are. you worthless piece of human garbage. faggot man. worthless faggot man. whore. dumb whore. stupid cunt. fucking worthless toilet.

ok that one got weird there at the end. just kinda felt good to write like that. surprise! i'm still normal and fine, i'm not losing my mind, i could put this down and like pay my taxes or some shit if i wanted to. not that i even need to pay taxes since i haven't made enough money to actually owe the irs anything in my life lmfao. yeah baybee i'm god damned 24 and i have never had a real career. got some feelings on that too. prolly gonna make a whole new page about that tho.

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