hello to everyone, even the haters and losers. i do not apologize at all for not updating my neocities page. this is for me, not any of you sons of bitches.

i think a lot of my self hatred is a self defense mechanism for my masculinity. any time my position as the capital-H Hero of my own life is challenged, the ManDemon demands that i interpret it, not as a reminder that not everything is about me, but as a sign that i have failed as the Hero, and i must therefore self-flagellate to pay the price for my failure. like the only interpretation i could have of myself is as a Winner or a Loser, not as Someone Who Does Not Play The Game, or as A Human Being, Whose Value Cannot Be Determined By Adherance To Certain Standards. but so it goes.

i have an enormous amount of hate in my heart for mental health posting. it's all people trying to filter their thoughts and feelings through this clinical language that was designed to make human emotion as sterile and non-volatile as possible. so you just get the dumbest, most narcissistic mother fuckers imaginable talking about how traumatized they were by people not waiting on them hand and foot, and how whatever behavior they personally enjoy is self-care and how everyone else has to make space for it. listen, i like doing this, i like expressing my worst emotions, but i'm not gonna pretend for a second that this is good for me. i'm going to express what i feel with whatever tools i have on hand, and i am not going to pretend to care about what it does for me. fuck you.

i saw myself in side profile the other day. god, what a nightmare. it's my neck, it fucking cranes forward. makes me look like a sloth. i haven't really given a full profile of everything i hate about my appearance on this site, have i? my body shape is absolutely fucked. like listen, there is a sexual market out there for fat dudes. i get that. the problem is, even though i'm objectively a fat fuck, that fatness doesn't get distributed properly all over my body. like, you could definitely buy my face on a skinny dude. and my arms are way too fuckin scrawny. it just creates this situation where yeah, maybe some folks could find some parts of me sexy, but there's never gonna be an interest in the whole thing.

plus theres the issues with my hair. my hair is the one semi-decent thing about me, the one thing i can kind of be proud of, and it too is falling apart. theres this bald spot that started developing right on the right side of my bangs. it's not too bad when my hair's fresh and clean, but as soon as i have to go about my day, and my hair starts to string up and clump up a bit, it gets super gnarly looking super quick. god, it makes me look so greasy.

i hate looking at myself and realizing that that's what people see, all the time. it feels like it robs me of my autonomy over how i'm seen. i don't even know if i give a shit how other people feel about how i look, i just know that i hate it, and that's the only thing that matters. if i looked how i chose to look, and you didn't like it, that's a you problem. but knowing that my body is out here telling stories about myself that i don't want told is mortifying, damn however you feel about them. i'll complain about my appearance to people, and they'll try to convince me that it's not so bad, or that it isn't noticable. i know they're just being polite, and that you'd have to be a huge asshole to say 'haha yeah you look like shit, sucks for you buddy', and that some of them genuinely do think it doesn't look so bad. but it robs me of so much control when you judge a 'me' that i don't even have any power over. i should probably get over that. that's life, after all.

...