christ, i thought i was done. i thought the venlafaxine wasnt doing anything, and that i'd be fine, just gotta ride the physical symptoms out. maybe not.

i wish i knew who i was enough to kill it. i'm losing my shit, on the one hand is the part of me that just hates myself, but there's also this part of me that recognizes this is all just a nasty withdrawal, and there's another part that thinks that all of this "self hatred" bullshit is just a ploy to make myself feel like i deserve sympathy from other people. i cant even cut myself right, the blade's not quite sharp enough to draw blood but it's still sharp enough to scare me so i just wound up scoring myself with the tip so that it'd hurt.

i wish i'd just get the balls to kill myself but i'm so god damned risk averse that i can't commit to it. remember, there's that bit that knows this is all temporary.

god, i wish i could just chemically castrate myself so i would never find myself wanting the love of a woman ever again. dating is such a sick little game, they want me to pretend not to know that i'm worthless, that i'm a fucking vampire, that i'm a whore and i take and i take and i take. thats what confidence is, right? the ability to fucking con women, to con yourself, into believing you're worth the dirt on their fucking shoe. i hate myself so fucking much. i should shoot my fucking balls off.

i'm such a violent little shit and i don't know what i want to destroy. there's just this urge to destroy something, i hate hatE HATE. graaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAchghtrt. that's another little twist on this all, i'm fucking scary. this whole thing is a threat, i'm a threat, and i'm just supposed to pretend that i can just therapy it all away. mental health is such horse shit, i should kill myself and you're just lying to me because you legally have to.

what, am i supposed to pretend that the meds are good for me just because they make it easier to pretend that this part of me isn't real? fuck you. maybe i deserve to be miserable.

god i want Her to save me and hold me and tell me i'm alright. it's disgusting. i hate that i want it, i need to cut off my balls so that i never want it again. origen mode bitches.

thats the ultimate fantasy of Arcueid, isn't it? that She's out there, and that She loves you in spite of the fact that you're a violent fuck, and that She'll care about you and help you. but it's also just as much the fantasy of Shiki, the idea of a worthwhile person under all of your shit for Her to love. it's also the fantasy of SHIKI, the idea that you can divide and defeat those violent, awful parts of yourself.

i would like to clarify that i've literally never hurt a woman, and that i don't fucking want to. i don't even think the other parts of me want to, they just want to hurt me and help me hurt myself. i draw the fucking line at hurting a woman, and i'd like to make it clear to whatever readership i have that the violence in me doesn't want that. i would hurt and or kill tom cotton though

why do you want to clarify that so fucking much? you want to cling to the idea that, even though you're worthless, you're not really a bad person, not evil, just worthless, right? what does it even mean to be worthless without being evil? why are you so scared of it, of being evil, of hurting innocent people? is it maybe because this whole self hatred act is just a narcissistic ego trip? this whole thing, it's all a performance! you're uploading it to the internet! you get off on the idea of people reading this and having sympathy for you, you sick fuck! you're so dedicated to the role that you refuse to advertise it, to shove it down anyone's face! christ, it's disgusting. it would be far more honest for you to advertise that you wanted people to reach out and sympathize with you, instead of doing this whole song-and-dance-and-pony show! this is your way of getting help, by being so fucked up and weird and then pretending to hide it from people. you're disgusting and manipulative. people like you go to hell.

it wont give up it wants me dead god damn this noise inside my head

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