i'm work. i'm work to care about, i'm work to be around. i'm a drain on the emotional, physical, and financial resources of the people who care about me. they put all of this time and energy, and eventually they will figure out that none of it was worth it.

this, of course, is why i will never have a successful relationship. women, and people in general, don't want some retarded faggot baby that they have to tell to do everything, every time. i still remember how i never kept the dishes in the apartment clean. how i broke down in front of jessie and said i wanted to kill myself over fucking dishes. god, what a faggy thing of me to do. i should kill myself, just for that alone.

its also why i've never had a relationship in the first place lmfaooooooo. completely unwilling to actually put in the effort or risk to hit on anybody. except when i get drunk and tell james that i'd suck his cock. god, fucking james. standing me up for league of fucking legends. god, makes me feel just fucking great. can't even be a slut. it's not enough that i'll never be loved, now you're saying i'll never be used? god, what a wash. can't even make a decent fucking cumtoilet.

not that he's not got a point in blowing me off (lol). tried sucking on one of those peppermint rod thingies today. found out that i am very bad at sucking dick. so do you know what it would be like even just to get your dick sucked by me? you'd have to micromanage my every retarded misstep. WORK. MORE. FUCKING. WORK. can't even be a fuckin onahole properly. i should cut myself in public and people should clap for me like they do when somebody drops a cup in the cafeteria. lmao.

and this! this is the only way i can process any criticism of myself, or my behavior. violent self flagellation. since i hate this, too, about myself, it only feeds deeper and deeper into itself. an executioner punishing himself for his own suicide. lol. lmao.

anything people like about me is my facade, my lies. i'm still convinced that moss dislikes me because they understand me, they see directly through this wimpering faggot facade, and they see how disgusting my soul is. they probably just don't like me because hating me would be too much energy, and it would honestly be silly. do you hate the dog shit you see on the sidewalk?

i won't kill myself. but i don't know what to do with any of these feelings.